Barren, Broken and beginning again......

It's amazing what a good nights sleep can do

2011-03-16T10:10:00.000-04:00

Yes - he is cute and yes he is mine

________________

Our unusually long commercial break was

Emotional.....and that's okay.

2011-03-07T14:11:00.000-05:00

There will be no witty, positive or upbeat

writing today - don't have it in me.

Just completely and utterly done

at the moment.

Not to mention really and truly pissed!

It's probably more a combination of pissed,

angry, frustrated, disgusted and

basically.......

"Are you fucking kidding me Universe?"

I am so sick and tired of just ONE MORE THING

Finally have the transmission fixed on the truck

This is good

Our car's exhaust starts immediately having issues

This is bad

We have the truck back, so the car can get checked out

This is good

Hubby starts having issues with new tranny on way to work

This bad

Car's exhaust definitely has problem- dropped off at mechanic

This is bad

Hubby advised to bring truck back to mechanic as

replaced tranny is probably no good

This is really bad

Current work transportation issue is uncertain for both of us

This is really bad

_____________

I want a break!

I want to have day-to-day boring

I want to go more than a week or month without

something or someone falling apart.

I want things that get fixed to stay fixed and work.

And you know what?

(Big surprise here)

Underneath it all, I am full of emotional turmoil

that has little to do with cars.

-------------------------

I got the go ahead to start birth control to help

level out my hormones and ease the PMDD.

It would be an adjunct to the shrinky dink meds

and would hopefully make things work even better

It's something I talked to doc about quite awhile ago.

She actually gave me the samples which have been

sitting in the fridge for about 5 months now.

She said that whenever my meds were adjusted

and mostly importantly

-whenever I was ready

to just go ahead and start.

This is my month.

I know in my mind that there is absolutely no

downside to starting and most probably much benefit.

I know that it's a necessary step for my overall greater health

I know that nothing has changed in the "child" dept decision.

I also know it's another step in my coming to terms journey

living childless not by choice.

Oh......but theres that stupid gap...you know the one?

The gap that forms when your head is telling you one

very logical, reasonable thing and your heart

just doesn't feel it.

That gap is there - big time

So ...um yeah....this is hard & it hurts.

Rational or not - this just hurts.

And yes -

I am still pissed, angry,frustrated and disgusted too.

MOOD REPORT:

My Crayola crayon 64 box or life lessons in art class

2011-03-04T13:59:00.000-05:00

Long and involved story ahead

READ AT THE RISK OF FALLING ASLEEP!

______________

I was thinking about my school years the other day.

I remember how much excitement came with

getting my brand new school supplies each year.

There was, however something in those supplies that

I always seemed to look forward to, just a bit more

than all the others......

It was the

64 pack of Crayola crayons.

I know .....right?

It was OH so beautiful.....that crisp shiny box.

The bright display of crayons on the front,

including any new colors for that year.

Oh...and the joy of turning the box around just

to make sure that the crayon sharpener

was really still there (and it always was)

I loved the feeling I got when I would finally

break down and open my box.

These brand new untouched crayons would stand there before me.

All of this fantastical array of color just sitting there

Waiting for me.

The potential that my box of crayons had

seemed absolutely limitless.

Oh the choices!

All I had to do was pick one single crayon,

and start coloring.

I could color and create something usual.

I could color and create something unexpected.

I could color and create something beautiful.

I could even color and create something very ugly

I could create anything I wanted with that box of crayons.

It was really was so simple

And eventually I would open that new box of crayons.

I would use those crayons in earnest with all my creations.

Coloring what I felt to be masterpieces at the time.

Then something would happen - the year would move

forward and my box would begin to slowly change.

Some of the crayons I would use & sharpen

so often, that there was little left.

Some of the crayons, I never took out of the box.

Some of the crayons, were in pieces barely

able to be taken out of the box at all.

Every year the breakdown was different,

but I always ended up with the same thing......

A torn, haggard box that was barely holding together.

A box that when I opened it, always appeared so

worn and used up

It was always around that time, I remember thinking a few things:

I remember thinking my haggard old crayon box was still special

I knew that it helped me create, what I am sure I believed to be

incredible works of art.

I knew that each time I chose a crayon, it was with

much intent and great expectation.

I knew that sometimes the crayons I did end up choosing,

just did not work out.

I knew I would always get a chance to start again, and star over

with next years box.

_____________

Although I am not sure these are analogies.(crap - just realized that)

I do believe there is much wisdom in those boxes.

That even though I am currently worn, haggard and feeling completely

used up, that the journey getting here created

some incredible things along the way.

That although I'm a bit broken and feeling in general disarray,

I am still me after all.....(lots of good stuff inside)

That as long as I am willing to do the work and want to,

I can always start over at any time and create a new path.

So I guess all I need now is a new box of crayons....

Whadda ya think?

MOOD REPORT:

(crayon color)

That's enough fruit for now - Thank you! - Lemons Pt. II

2011-02-28T11:18:00.000-05:00

I TRIED THROWING THEM BACK

AND......

TRIED SQUEEZING THEM OUT

AND.......

WENT FOR THE OLD TRIED AND TRUE

AND........

GETTING DESPERATE, TRIED MAKING LEMON BARS

AND......

EVEN WENT FOR THE PSYCHOLOGY OF IT ALL

AND TRIED TALK THERAPY

_____________

BUT IN THE END I FIGURED OUT A FEW THINGS:

1. I don't throw lemons (or any objects) very well

2. Squeezing lemons with winter dry cracked hands really stings

3. Lemonade is much easier made with the mix

4. I don't know how to make lemon bars - but they look good

5. Lemons don't really talk - but they are great listeners

AND FINALLY....

6. Life has one really unhealthy obsession with citrus fruit

that just cannot be fixed or changed - it is what it is!

___________________

Time for sharing

Don't you hate it when:

you are up all night because of a thunderstorm,

and your cats are walking all over

your face because they are nervous

and when you do finally get up in the morning,

you find a pile of cat vomit on the hallway floor,

which you promptly clean up.

Then you go strip all the bedding off your old mattress,

in preparation for the new mattress being delivered,

only to find that while you were quickly take your morning pills,

that the cat went & vomited on the now old stripped mattress.

Which you promptly clean up again.

Then you see that the humidifier is extremely low

so you take off the top compartment to fill it up,

and when going to place it back on the base, spill half of the water

everywhere because you apparently did not tighten

the opening valve well enough.

Which you promptly clean up.

And just to get this off my chest because

in all honesty, THIS is probably why I am

not handling this morning's stuff a bit better........

Could SOMEONE - ANYONE, please explain to me

why - oh why the furniture companies / dept. stores out there

think that the ONLY people in the entire freakin' universe

that might actually want a glider rocker chair / ottoman combo

are pregnant women or new moms?

I ask this because hubby and I have been building

a small room upstairs for me, as, up until this point,

I did not have a place of my own- which I found I really needed.

In any case, I wanted to make it a room where I could read,

crochet, write, talk in private, just be alone or relax.

As a result, I knew that I would be needing seating.

A recliner chair was too big/cumbersome for that space,

and all the other decorative chairs I saw just didn't seem right.

Then I thought of a rocking chair, which made me think how nice

having a matching ottoman would be with the rocker.

......so that is how I came to the glider/rocker ottoman idea.

Making a long story shorter....a few hours on the internet later

I came to the following conclusions:

If you are looking for a glider/rocker ottoman set that is

not a piece of crap, looks decent, and yet

is still somewhat affordable

(which is code for cheap after paying for transmission)

expect the following things:

A.Doing a google search for glider/rocker ottoman combo

or some combination thereof will most often direct you to

a massive number or baby/parenting/child sites - BEWARE

B. Most of the good affordable sets will be found in the

"BABY" furniture section of the top leading dept. stores

C. Sometimes even if they are not in the "BABY" section

of the store, they come with great Manufacturer names

Such as "StorkC.raft" , "Baby Rel.ax" or "StarB.right"

Hey.....Dept. stores & furniture companies....thanks for

that unexpected infertile childless punch in the gut.

It's always the unexpected ones that hurt the most!

___________

Now I know that since last post's overtone was one of

turning the negatives around, and I just bitched

up a good little storm above - I will share this:

The spasticat is just fine - she just ingested a bit of the

building materials from the room upstairs (dust, bits of paper, etc)

The old mattress is leaving today a bit more stained mind you -

and the new one arrives - woohoo!

Once new mattress arrives, I will be able to take a nap

and catch up on the lost sleep from last night

The humidifier works still and all objects around it

are fine despite being a bit damp.

and lastly..................

I was able to pick out a glider/rocker & ottoman set

DESPITE the fact it had the word "BABY" on it.

_______

PROGRESS MAYBE?

Fragile definitely!

________

MOOD REPORT:

And you thought YOU had it bad.........

2011-02-25T14:20:00.000-05:00

_____________

Okay - you can say it......no really....
It won't hurt my feelings..

This blog has been a REAL BUMMER lately.

Well in truth - I would describe it more like this.......

WHINY
PISSY
ANGRY
SELF-PITYING
DEPRESSING

I think you get the point.

-------------

I realized something last night though:

I was sick of reading my own blog.

YEP - you read that correctly.

I am just tired of the negativity being typed

by these fingers and being put out in the universe.

Now I know that some of that negativity is a direct result

of the change in my"shrinky dink" meds.

HOWEVER:

I realized that although there is a

tremendous amount of crap going on &

happening in my life currently.......

It's JUST NOT THAT BAD!

_____________

So here is my best attempt at turning some of that around.

Please bear with me - I am trying REALLY hard:

Turning 40 yrs. old = well shit....I actually made it!

Struggling with A.D.D & work = improved communication with boss

Monthly mother nature hormones = not in menopause yet....whew!

Suck Ass Cold and Snow = appreciation for escapes to warm destinations
Horrible king mattress = chance for us each to pick out our own twin mattress
Ceiling fan/light broken in bedroom = new updated fixtures coming up

Transmission goes on truck = thanks for 2 vehicles, parents & friends to help fix it

Mental Illness flair up = New & better communication with everyone
Intense emotional state = chance to really "feel" and "be" right where I am

Med change/titration = opportunity to be diagnosed & treated correctly

Childless not by choice = freedom to pursue new avenues & life journey

Rough life review = chance to learn who I really am and want to be

******

I have a roof over my head, a good job, the best

husband I could ever ask for, an incredibly

loving family, awesome support system, money to get by,

a few phenomenal day to day friends AND

some new wonderful online bloggy friends.

Not bad.....Not too bad at all!!!

P.S. Universe....please help me remember this - Thanks

MOOD REPORT:

I hate vacation pics: A.K.A - My brain has been a bad hostess lately....

2011-02-22T16:38:00.000-05:00

This pic would be so scary if you were actually able to see

everything that was going on in my brain

No ....really....it would be something to behold.

I don't think even I would want to look inside to be honest.

Wait a minute...I couldn't do that anyway....that's just silly......

well maybe I could..... If I carefully detached my head......nahhh......

that would just not be practical...I'd probably

lose it, break it or forget how to put it back on..........

________

So here is the lo-down

The VACATION:

What to say - what to say...Let's sum it up.

The good, the bad and the ugly

GOOD:

It was incredible to be away from the

piss-poor sub-zero weather of NE Ohio

Thank you Florida Keys for the beautiful sunsets

I got to spend some quality time with

the parents and my Bear

They is ...."Good Peoples"!!!

I was able to do some great fishing and

was even able to catch "that one frickin' shark"

(the one that got away our first trip out)

Bear picked out & bought me a KICK-ASS

designer brand name purse for my birthday gift.

(rhymes with MOACH - boo-yah!!!)

as well as one totally cool flying monkey

that was demonstrated in-store.

NICE!!!

BAD

Crappy timing in several ways:

Mother nature arrived with what looked like a moving truck

Left work short-handed at a really really bad time

Shrinky Dink meds still in change up mode and overall

mood/anxiety on the rise.

UGLY

Upon said arrival at vacation spot -

Hit with massive wave of intense mixed emotions-

grief, sadness, and frustration over:.........

our childlessness, the friend who lost her pregnancy,

turning 40 and consequent life review, the

"unsure" shrinky dink diagnosis yet again, the new med combo &

titration that sucks lemons, and oh yeah, did I happen to mention the

hormones from hell?

This is all while trying avidly to get family, friends, and

loved ones to understand something new about the

person they see in front of them

this wife, daughter, sister, niece, friend, etc -

the one that they don't recognize because of all the emotions

It's not JUST the med change

It's not JUST the childlessness,

It's not JUST the friend's loss

It's not JUST the frickin' situational crap

It's not JUST the mid-life crisis bull-shit

It's not JUST the A.D.D. or this years shrinky dink's diagnosis

Though you may think it is,

It's not JUST one thing - it's not JUST all the things

Here's the catch.....You won't know what IT is until:

you do the brave thing, the uncomfortable thing, that thing you don't want to do.

Talk to me - ask me - tell me you don't know what to say

I've already heard all the stupid comments - trust me on that

It won't make it worse - It's already pretty shitty

I won't shatter into pieces - I'm pretty cracked already

Then I will know you are there....and that you do care.

MOOD REPORT:

A thank you and eloquent gesture of sorts......

2011-02-17T21:24:00.000-05:00

This is 40th birthday monkey

Guess what 40th birthday monkey said today.......

wait for it

He said

despite everything and in the end

"I'm still here B*tches"

*Thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes*

I survived ya'll - no really, I did!!!!

_____________

MOOD REPORT:

The sum of the parts: A.K.A. - Happy Fucked-up Fortieth Birthday to me!!!

2011-02-16T20:01:00.000-05:00

I don't even have the words.....

Big pink manatee in my room: A.K.A.- Infertility vs. Mental Illness

2011-02-13T19:41:00.000-05:00

Just some random thoughts about

Infertility, and Mental Illness

******************

Both are chronic physiological diseases
Both may be treatable but are not curable
Both may have positive or negative outcomes in treatment
Both affect nearly everything in your daily life
Both affect your daily decision making processes
Both have huge negative social stigma's attached
Both confuse, frighten and embarrass friends & family
Both confuse, frighten and embarrass you
Both are often suffered horribly in silence
Both need so very much to be talked about
Both continue to NOT be talked about much
Both diseases are sorely misunderstood
Both desperately need more education
Both can strip a person of their identity
Both almost always strip away your dignity
Both may drag you in to a point where you lose yourself
Both can and will make you second guess yourself
Both can and will make you second guess your loved ones
Both have destroyed viable, loving relationships
Both can and have destroyed life-long dreams
Both were suffered by people you once knew
Both are being suffered by people you know right now
Both are being suffered daily by those you love most
Both may be suffered by you
Both are suffered by me

_______________

Suffering from these diseases is NOT the most difficult experience of my life

The most difficult & current painful experience of my life is this:

choosing to continue to live, learn, love, and move forward

DESPITE

all of the above.

******

MOOD REPORT:

The "Manatee or Sea Cow"

(my gentle giant - you are so beautiful!)

Vacation memories: A.K.A.- A bad case of the crabs

2011-02-10T12:56:00.000-05:00

Hidden sunset-Keys 2011

__________

For those of you who actually managed

to stomach reading my last post -

I say "Bravo" to you.

It was a bit on the "raw" side to say the least.

(inner voice says....."you think? while rolling her eyes)

I am however, not going to apologize for that mostly

because, I really needed to get it out of my system

In any case I did want to say this....

I am honestly doing my very best in finding some

enjoyment on this vacation.

It may not seem that way but I really am.

Honest.

I do appreciate the fact that I have the

opportunity to be in a warm & beautiful

environment instead of the snow & cold.

I do appreciate having the opportunity

to spend some time with my parents

I do appreciate that I get to spend some

alone time with my husband.

It's just that even those things seem

fairly lackluster in my current state of mind.

I hate that - I really do.

I want to have better control over my

feelings right now. I just don't.

I want so much to be in a better place -

a better mindset so that I could really take

it all in - truly enjoy the moment. I just

can't seem to get there.

______

The other day when we were out fishing,

my father remarked how much he loved

watching "his two girls" fishing (mom & I)

He start reminiscing about our family vacations

in The Outer Banks and about how much

fun we had all had.

I thought back fondly of those vacations

I remembered my parents spending many

patient and wonderful hours showing us how to fish.

Everything from cutting up frozen squid bait, to

actually baiting the hook. Learning the perfect cast, and

getting the fish off the hook once we caught them.

I remembered them also showing us how to go crabbing.

From finding just the perfect spot, to tying twine around

a chicken neck to use as bait., Showing us

how slow you had to go when bringing the crabs

up and knowing exactly when to net them.

I remembered them taking us out on the

sand dunes so that we could watch the hang gliders and

learn to fly some of the new kites they bought us each year.

I remembered desperately hanging on to my father

each time I went in the ocean. He called it "the crab hold"

because I was convinced I would be bitten by a crab if my

feet touched the bottom. Every year he would reiterate that

it was safe this year to touch down. It was a long battle until I did.

Obviously my issues go way back!

______

I remembered all of these wonderful memories on

these vacations that we spent together.

Together as a family.

Then it hit me....it was the time we spent as a family.

The memories of my parents passing down all

of these special activities and moments.

Passing them on to their children.

Here I am again -dead on faced with the fact that

I will not be passing these same things on.

At least not to any children of our own.

That knowledge just breaks my heart.

It also hurts - just really really hurts.

MOOD REPORT:

Better late than never: A.K.A. - a shark by any other name

2011-02-08T19:57:00.000-05:00

Our Balcony sunset in the Florida Keys 2011

*****

First off, I apologize for the lack of posting.

Bear and I are on a planned "vacation" at the moment
See above pic

In the midst of all the insanity and shit going on in my life,

I forgot to share that we were headed away to the Florida Keys.
As a result, this may be a long post
________

Now before I start getting all these snarky comments - especially
from those of you stuck in the shit-hole-snow-vortex zones

about how...."lucky we are" and how it "must be nice to be you"

Let me just say this about the trip:

When said trip was planned, (quite awhile ago)
we (meaning I) were most definitely in a better place.

Circumstances were certainly a bit more steady.

It was planned to be a brief break from the weather,

a time to visit with my parents, and hopefully a

place where we could recharge our "inner batteries"
Sounds great in theory right?

ahhhh....but here comes the "proverbial catch"

I am sure you know that trying to plan, organize, pack,
make arrangements for, and yes even travel on a trip
is stressful enough when you are at your best.

It almost goes without saying that:

I am NOT........let me repeat.........NOT even remotely close

to my best right now, nor have I been for awhile.

Just for giggles let's review my mindset prior & up to this trip:

Dealing with a Buttload of situational work stress

Still in the midst of grieving the CNBC situation

Find out friend must suffer through a late term loss due to medical issue
Try to deal with guilt in not being able to help above friend
Start working through painful old shit in therapy (fill-in-the-blank issues)

Tapered off- number whatever-the-the-fuck-it-is now anti-depressant

(which by the way, sucks in ways I cannot begin to explain)

Start yet another med in hopes that shrinky dink's new diagnosis is correct
Plan, organize, pack, and make arrangements for vacation.

Head out on hellish snow covered roads to travel to our hotel
Narrowly miss getting hit by skidding out-of-control car along the way

Watch/hear skidding car get hit seconds later by another vehicle
Try and not completely freak out while still giving directions to hubby
Arrive at hotel for overnight stay prior to next day departure only to find that

good ole' mother nature stayed right on schedule AND...why hello there period.
Desperately try to juggle/sort out which emotional outbursts are related to
A. meds
B. situational anxiety
C. Depression
D. hormones
E. All of the above

I hope the picture is clearer as to why I was and
am still fairly ambivalent about being here.

__________

Despite the weather being great, the wonderful people,

the activities being limitless, and the scenery being stunning.....

No apologies or qualifying

I STILL feel pretty fucking miserable.

It's just how I feel.

_________

Let me wrap up this sunshine filled post by sharing

something that illustrates my mindset as of late:

This afternoon, we all went out to do some fishing.

Pretty much your run-of-the-mill basic fishing trip.

We did some fairly good fishing - catching many blowfish, a few

yellowtail, & a couple of snapper.

Mom seemed to be the fisherperson of the day with her

repeated catches of small sharks. Pretty cool.

Then right at the end of the afternoon, I managed to hook

myself one heck of a shark. It was a big one which

managed to take out my line as fast as I could try and reel it in.

I battled to bring in that shark for well over 15 minutes.

I would reel and make some gain, then he would take my line out again

I fought and fought with all the determination I had.

Everyone on the boat did what they could to help as well.

It really seemed that I might actually be able to

get this shark in close enough to net him.

And for just a moment, I believed I would be able to get this one.

Then it happened - the line went loose.

I knew he had snapped it - he had gotten away.

In fishing this kind of thing happens all the time.

Somehow this situation just seemed the perfect metaphor for my life -

And in particular my journey with infertility and childlessness.

I honestly don't have the energy tonight to explain all the

psychological cross references I garnered from this experience

Trust me when I say that they are there.

You will just have to figure it out yourself

I am quite confident you can do it.

P.S. - if you want to see vacation pics just click here:

The Keys 2011

************

MOOD REPORT:

Just a simple post with many wishes

2011-01-30T07:14:00.000-05:00

Although I know she won't read this, I needed to write it anyway.

To my special friend,

I am so very sorry for your profound loss - just utterly and deeply sorry.

Those words seem so insignificant -cliche and yet, I really do mean them.

I so wish in my heart that things had not turned out the way they did.

I so wish that I could have done or said something along the way to

possibly help alter the outcome.

I so wish I could have been the friend who you needed to call,

when you were given the options

I so wish I could have been the friend who you needed to call

when the worst possible decision had to be made.

I so wish I could take away your pain, sadness, anger.

I so wish that after it all, you knew you could have depended on

me for support without my emotions getting in the way or making it worse.

I so wish I had the right words....I so wish I were stronger.

And yet right now it seems, I can't, I don't......and I am not.

I hope you received and continue to receive all that you need and more to sustain you.

I hope all your wonderful friends & family surround you with love & strength.

I may not be there right at the moment....I may not be there right away

but I do assure you that eventually, in time I will be there - I will.

In the meantime...........

I just wanted you to know how much I really do care.

_________

***To all my blog readers***

I am respecting anonymity for this friend due to the nature of her loss.

Please forgive the cryptic nature in some of the writing.

Also , I know she would love any added well wishes

so please feel free to comment.

If you do know who this post is written about, I do ask

that you also respect her privacy and anonymity as well.

Thank you

Come out come out whoever you are OR my empty closet

2011-01-28T06:31:00.000-05:00

My closet is empty at the moment.

And by closet I mean me- but I'm sure as wise

as you all are, that you already picked that up.

I know that I promised some great updates after

my last post - and truly all my intentions were to follow

through on that, however things just didn't pan out

that way.

Let me try and give you an idea what happened to all

of the emotional crap that came tumbling out of my

so called "psyche closet" earlier this week.

For the moment it's all bagged and boxed up with some

temporary shitty -ass labels because I didn't have time for the good ones.

It is neatly- oh so very neatly

(because God forbid things looked messy)

stacked up along my periphery.

All thanks to my work life and current job atmosphere

(just in case my subtlety was lost on you there)

Not by choice at I assure you - but your job has a

way of doing that to you sometimes.

(and by sometimes, I mean every fucking moment)

(no really - every fucking work moment from 7:45am-5pm)

Gotta love work sometimes

resentful much?

But I digress.....

____________

So I am left looking at all my shit just sitting there and

and then inwardly feeling just empty.

It's an Emptiness on a few levels.

Empty of emotion at the moment (probably the meds)

Empty of the things that once (long ago) gave me happiness

Empty of who I am and for that matter who I was

Empty of the direction I should take on this life journey

But right now - at this moment

I am feeling the most of THIS kind of empty

The childless, barren infertile kind of empty

None of these in my closet.

______________________

MOOD REPORT:

My cup overfloweth; A,K,A,- Who opened my psyche closet door?

2011-01-26T07:30:00.000-05:00

Did I happen to mention my emotional

closet being a bit overfilled?

Well shrinky dink kicked in my psyche's door and

superwoman started making me go through it.

Been an arduous few days to say the least and the best part?

I wanted to do this..........um yeah......wh wh wh WTF?

An aside - after pulling out of superwoman's parking lot

yesterday, I proceeded to get my first speeding ticket - EVER!

Yep - was allegedly......and I do mean allegedly doing

41mph in a 25mph zone.

Gotta love that extra 1mph putting me into the higher

fee bracket.

Wish I had more time this A.M. to do a real post but

wanted to touch base for now.

Promise to come back later for more juicy and insane details.

MOOD REPORT:

Rorschach's inkblots WERE all kittens & puppies....I knew it!

2011-01-23T23:21:00.000-05:00

Went to see the shrinky dink again.

Get to play the medication mambo to see if we can

finally find the right combo to get me a bit more functional .

Definitely had a better feeling coming out of this session.

I think we might have stumbled on to the right path

I truly hope and pray so.

I was really proud of myself today.

I got brave and decided to try taking a look back

A look back to and at all that is - ME

I brought it up by the way - all by my big girl self!

It's scary to go there with the history I have

It's also frustrating to go there again when you

think you already dealt with the issues

Issues you thought that had been put away in your proverbial

mental closet for good.

It really sucks ass when that mental closet door comes

flying open and EVERYTHING falls out at once.

You just stand there looking at it all incredulously

thinking to yourself - "SHIT - did that really just happen?"

And WTF? - why now?

Then you remember the whole childless not by choice thing

It becomes pretty damn clear why you are falling apart now

Falling apart in grieving the loss of the child you will never know

and in the same breath grieving the screwed up child you were.

I know I sound all new-age, inner-child, you're okay-I'm okay

here but for the sake of keeping some anonymity, it's all

I'm willing to say in this type of public forum.

Let's just say that for the first time in a long time,

I was open to really hearing what was being said

and suggested to me. - TRULY.

It's too soon for me to say I am cautiously optimistic but

I will say I might have the teeny tiniest seed of hope for today.

We shall see what tomorrow brings

God - I hope this new med helps with the sleep!!!!!

________

P.S. thanks to the followers who I have gotten on this new blog

there may only be a few as of now but I appreciate you all!

MOOD REPORT:

2 parts this + 1 part that - A,K.A. - Gotta Love Antihistamines

2011-01-21T07:39:00.000-05:00

It's amazing really

The recipe to get some sleep

Every person has his or her own unique formula

Some people exercise, or drink warm milk

Others do relaxation or use warm blankets

For me however - desperation and utter exhaustion

bring out my inner chemist/ pharmacist

Here was last nights semi-successful recipe:

1. One part extra PRN calm-me-down pill

2. Two parts well known Antihistamine pills - 50mg

3. One part PRN Pain med pill

(just to clarify one thing - all meds were taken AS prescribed)

Don't want anyone to think I was just popping pills!

The combo wasn't totally perfect but it did allow me to

catch up somewhat - thank goodness the weekend is

nearly upon us and I can try to work on catching up on

the rest of my sleep.

Can I get a Hallelujah? Can I get an Amen?

AMEN!!!

Yesterday's fatigue-related work day was less than stellar.

Off to work today to see if a half night's sleep will allow

for some actual productivity.

MOOD REPORT:

Here Sleepy Sleep - A.K.A. - who am I again?

2011-01-20T07:27:00.000-05:00

Oh sleep, wherefore art thou sleep?

I so have missed you in your quiet, soft warmth

Lulling me gently away from all the days woes

Into my land of soft cuddly bunnies, and fairy princesses.....wait a minute

W T F?

Oh Shit - wrong person's dream again -

Barging into someone else's dream - so not cool

Must have ended up there while trying to catch a few zzzzzz's

This insomnia/restlessness crap sucks

The whole changing meds things is screwing with everything that is me

YEA!!!!

No sleep is for the birds

What the heck does that mean anyway - it's for the birds?

I never did quite understand that saying......

And before some smartass out there decides to send me an answer....

Keep in mind I am sleep-deprived and medicationally challenged

You DON.T want to go there - Trust

I had such great intentions of writing about some

stellar insight that followed my last post BUT then sleep bailed on me

That stupid bitch!

Will try and catch ya'll with the uber-epiphany post next time

PROMISE - Girl Scout's Honor (yes-Virginia, I too was a girl scout)

MOOD REPORT:

Enter exsistential Mid-life crisis- a.k.a. The Hokey Pokey WAS right

2011-01-17T13:10:00.000-05:00

I really think The Hokey Pokey had it right after all

( This is a long one folks - fair warning )

"You put your right hand in - you put your right hand out,

you put your right hand in and you shake it all about..........etc."

here comes the key line though........" and you turn yourself around"

That REALLY WAS/IS what it's all about!

Apparently Life is about, just going with it and when things don't go as expected,

learning to "turn yourself around" without fear and head in another direction.

_______________________

SHIT-no one sent me the freakin memo to pay attention to these song lyrics

Let me tell you.....I would have paid attention - very close attention.

Seriously I would have!

Partly because growing up being me did not lend itself to getting an overwhelming

amount of opportunities to go to life events where this song was played

and partly because here I am, at nearly 40 yrs old ( only 31 more days-not that I'm counting)

still on the same path or life plan that I envisioned as a child.

You know the one......the plan where you:

.........misty clouds rolling in here for this flashback...... (go with it-puuuleaze)

have an average, happy childhood, followed by reasonably tolerable high school years,

go off and get a good college education, then get a great job as a result,

fall in love along the way, and then marry that fantastic person,

find the perfect time to start trying for at least two children ,

immediately fall pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy with a healthy child as a result,

followed by several years of child-rearing & repeating above pregnancy steps.

.......clouds start clearing out here.....

It sounds like a great life path/plan - doesn't it? I think so.

It's just that pretty much right from the start things didn't go that way for me.

NOT EVEN CLOSE!

I will spare you the long, drawn out, after-school special, melodramatic details

but I will share with you some of the labels I had or have on my life path so far.

I got to be: "the fat kid" or "the alternative kid" (I think it's called EMO these days)

I got to be the "troubled-suicidal girl" or the "periodically psych hospitalized girl"

I got to be "the best friend of the pretty girl" or the "let's just be friends" girl.

I got to be " the weird college roomie" followed shortly by "the college drop-out roomie"

I got to be "the confused sexuality" woman, and then the "I can change him" woman.

I got to be the "fiance that was left for another woman" - that was fun.....NOT!

I got to be "the fucked-up addict daughter/sister/aunt, etc" and then the

the "she's in recovery & doing so well" family member.

I believe "Trouble child" is somewhere in here too.

I got to be the "drift from job to job in discontent" worker followed by

the "oh shit - without a degree this is as far as I can go in this job" worker.

In my adulthood (whenever the hell that started)

I got the " misdiagnosed depressive who has A.D.D.and something the fuck else but

they are just not quite sure what yet" patient

(bet my blathering makes more sense after knowing that)

and more recently I got the distinct privilege of adding

" barren, bitter, childless not by choice, grieving, infertile" woman who

can't get her shit together and is writing it on her blog......YEA!!!!

The list goes well beyond this but I am sure by now I have already lost a few of you.

So I accumulated labels, my life progressed, & continued NOT to follow my expected path

Here is the kicker.....wait for it........wait for it.....

I apparently stayed the course and chose not or was unwilling to

"turn myself around" the whole time.

We are talking about 34 years of seeing/doing it one way and one way only.

The way my "child self" envisioned it - especially with the children situation.

Hmmmm - "turn myself around" when things don't go as expected

What a fucking concept!

I was always nothing if not stubborn and persistent.

**I do need to add one very important thing on that path that DID work out**

Albeit at a much later age (37 yrs old) than I expected.- no surprise there

I met and married the most incredible, loving and caring man.

I am forever grateful and blessed to have my husband in my life.

Thanks to the universe for throwing me that bone.

So.....what in the world was this post about anyway?

Oh yea......I remember now....that darn Hokey Pokey and all it's amazing wisdom.

I only have one question though.................

Can someone PLEASE tell me how -

If all you have EVER wanted your whole life - as long as you can remember

is to eventually have children and you are unable to after exploring all your options -

how do you possibly......

"turn yourself around?"

MOOD REPORT:

Holy shit and just a bit less suck-ti-tude

2011-01-13T20:55:00.000-05:00

Not much to say today other than

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD SHITTY SHIT SHIT SHIT

work sucked ass totally for me and just to be clear - it really had nothing to do with anyone there.

It is your basic combination of leftover menstrual hormones run amok, coupled with what seems like a never-ending process of trying to find the right drug combo to treat my life-long depression (which by the way is totally screwing with my memory and basic work functioning skills), in addition to my continuing struggles in dealing with the loss and grief in living childless

_____

Lots of baby talk going on in the office as my favorite co-worker is now 5 months pregnant.

I am actually really and truly excited for her - it just stings a bit now and then.

Oh and Did I mention that today another co-worker casually mentioned her sudden aversion to coffee which she has been told could possibly mean she might be preggers?

Yep - that too.

I care about these people but God dammit it's hard sometimes!!!

Can I get a fucking break here?

Nothing like a bit of bloggy sunhine to brighten up your day.

(just to clarify....that was sarcasm - didn't want anyone to fall behind)

Oh well - tomorrow is another day- maybe it will be a good one

Probably not.

I guess I will aim for a day filled with a bit less suck-ti-tude.

Yep - thats my baby step for the day.

MOOD REPORT:

Honesty is a bitch or starting over......

2011-01-12T20:53:00.000-05:00

Well folks - I guess I am back - for good or bad - back to the world of the blogoshere.

Back to putting down my innermost babble and sharing it in a public forum.

Some of you might have followed me at my old blog - The Infertile Sushi-loving Princess

If you did follow that blog - you will find this blog to be a wee tad different.

And when I say a wee tad different - I mean.......Oh hell just read and figure it out for yourself.

Just a heads up and fair warning though that the content contained within may be:

highly inappropriate, 10 steps over that ever elusive socially acceptable "line", rambling emoto-drama written in hormone induced hysterics and/or screwed up non-sense that only I find funny.

I do promise it to be painfully honest which for me is the whole basis of coming back here.

Coming back to writing - and writing my truth - writing it on MY blog

What a fucking glorious concept!

Join me why don't you.....or don't - it's up to you.

Either way welcome!

___________________________

MOOD REPORT:

Begin with the ending.......

2011-01-10T14:00:00.000-05:00

"Remember us?"

The Infertile Sushi-loving Princess.....

Years of trying and a boat-load of tests later, it was found that we would not be able to conceive on our own. We then pursued as much infertility medical intervention as our finances would allow only to end up unsuccessful and still childless. We also looked into adoption possibilities along the way on our journey. We were disheartened to learn that adoption for us would be just as much if not more expensive than the infertility treatments we could not afford, therefore ruling it out as well. And so there we were .......

2011 arrived and brought with it an ironic new beginning and ending all in one.

2011 began with all the promises a new year brings and yet at the same time it brought the ending of our family building journey.

It began with a bittersweet midnight kiss shared by a couple finally realizing their love for one another would have to enough in the end .

It began with little fanfare or celebration.

It began with the silence of two loving people holding one another at midnight, while the realization of living childlessness kicked in.

It began with us knowing that in our ending, we would have to change our lifelong dream in the hopes of being able to move forward - together.

It began with knowing that our change would bring grief - a quiet, hidden, intangible grief.

It began with allowing ourselves to grieve this ending -

learning how to grieve something we only dreamed of, learning how to grieve the loss of what our lives would have been like, learning how to grieve our childlessness.

It began with our ending.

This is where we are right now.....it's a tough,shitty, painful place to be.

Here's to hoping that whatever is on the other side of this grief, hurt and ending is
FUCKING FANTASTIC!

_____________

MOOD REPORT: